There’s a box you can spend your whole life in.
It will limit what you do, where you go, who you hang out with, how much money you make, how much money you spend, where you travel, how much fun you have, how you deal with pain and loss, how you recover from setbacks … and more.
In fact, it determines pretty much everything you have control over.
Now the weird thing about this box is that it has a large, unlocked door. You can get out of it any time you choose. But almost no one does.
Today we’re going to talk about how to find that door.
The label on that box is:
“I’m the kind of person who …”
If you walk around to the other side of the box, you’ll see a second label:
“I’m not the kind of person who …”
So you may believe you’re the kind of person who understands money. That will come in very handy.
You may believe you’re not the kind of person who understands sales and marketing. That’s going to create some serious limitations.
We’re not going to be talking about positive thinking today. It turns out that simple positive thinking (“I’m good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me”) doesn’t work particularly well.
Instead, we’re going to talk about identity. Identity feels real, but it’s actually just a very convincing costume. You can take it off and put on a different one.
It’s a way of seeing that you can learn (or re-learn). Sometimes it’s very hard to learn, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn it.
Should we work smart or should we work hard?
It’s a bit of a truism in the Bro Self Help community that instead of working hard, we should figure out how to work “smart.” How to outwit the system so we can scoot past all of the difficult parts.
Sometimes that’s appropriate. And sometimes you get this:
This is a story Simon Sinek tells about some free bagels that were available for runners after a race. Sinek and his friend had been in the park for a run, and wanted some of them. Sinek’s friend doesn’t want to wait in the long line, so Sinek just sticks his hand past some people waiting and grabs two bagels.
The story is supposed to be about “reframing the situation” and “focusing on what you want.”
I think the story is about smugness, assumption of privilege, and antisocial selfishness that disregards fundamental respect for other human beings because you think you deserve special treatment.
Now … I am absolutely all about making your own rules if the existing rules don’t serve you.
But you don’t get to do that by cutting in line in front of a bunch of other people. That’s just being a dick and assuming no one will call you on it. (Seriously, does Sinek not feel that ball of rage rise up in his throat when someone else cuts in front of a long line? Maybe not, since apparently he doesn’t wait in line.)
Here’s a P.S. for people who think Sinek’s story might not be that bad: This strategy only works for white people. Try that stunt as a black American and you stand a real chance of going to jail.
The mindset of “smart,” the mindset of “working hard”
If you’ve read my work in the past, you’ve probably seen me talk about Carol Dweck’s work on mindset.
Here’s the quick version:
- Kids who self-identify as smart have what Dweck calls Fixed Mindset. They have a strong tendency to become neurotic and insecure. They often feel compelled to cheat or lie to cover up mistakes or limitations.
- Kids who self-identify as hard workers have what Dweck calls Growth Mindset. They have a strong tendency to become confident and resilient. They know how to learn from their mistakes, and they make much more progress over the long run.
When you try to frame business problems (or any problems) with the “work smart” lens, you’re actually strengthening your Fixed Mindset.
This directly leads to unhelpful false beliefs like, “I shouldn’t have to trade time for money” or “You have to have a special gene for entrepreneurialism.”
In fact, in the comments around the Sinek story, people who call him on cutting in line are told they’re “not cut out to be entrepreneurs.”
This is a self-serving lie.
I’m sure the people who tell this lie believe it — because they’re living in a Fixed Mindset box.
This is one source of behaviors like selfishness, callousness, corruption, and racism. “I’m the kind of person who naturally belongs at the top” isn’t just misguided — it’s toxic. It’s also endemic.
Nearly anything humans do can be learned. No, you probably won’t become an elite athlete just with practice — there tend to be physiological factors that weigh in. (Short folks rarely become NBA stars.)
But other than that — there is no math gene. There is no science gene. There is no art gene. There is no writing gene. There is no money gene. There is no savings gene. There is no love-to-exercise gene. There is no sales gene.
And there is no entrepreneurship gene.
They don’t exist.
People who are good at math work hard at it. It does seem to come more quickly to some than to others … but that doesn’t predict who will get really good at math.
Learning expert Barbara Oakley reminds us that people who “just get it” often tend to get stuck on the first idea that occurs to them. The folks who have to work harder will often have a richer and more creative set of approaches — because there wasn’t one solution that jumped out at them.
Two sets of tendencies, each with advantages and disadvantages.
What we show up with
There are some innate traits. Tendency to introversion or extraversion seems to be genetic.
Does that mean that introverts can’t learn to be social? Absolutely not. They’ll just need to work on it more than a genetically extraverted person. And they may well develop some social advantages, because they have to think more about how they spend their social time.
Willingness to take risks seems to have a genetic component. But whatever our wiring, all of us have to learn to manage risk intelligently. Foolish risk-takers will simply run their business right into the ground.
Of course, we also carry our cultural baggage and a rich collection of stories and dramas from our upbringing. And we differ in important stuff like access to wealth, credit, healthcare, and education. All of those affect us strongly.
But there’s nothing you showed up with that you can’t work with.
You can work hard. You can work on the right things. You can get reality checks from a supportive community. And you can make something better than you have today.
Choose Growth
The door to that mental box is choosing, in any given moment, to turn toward a Growth Mindset.
To decide that, if you aren’t particularly good at something, you can work hard and get better at it.
To commit to working on the stuff that’s challenging, rather than the most comfortable.
To realize that it’s more satisfying to run the race than it is to cut to the front of the line and steal something that isn’t yours.
To remind yourself that, when you say,
“I’m just not the kind of person who …”
… that statement is never true.
Look for the Growth Mindset door. The one to, “I could be that kind of person, if I put the work in.”
It’s always there.
It’s not a door to a world of ease and privilege and free rides. But it is the door to a better life than the one you’re living today.
Easy Homework
Pick up your Freedom Journal. Take a few minutes today (right now would be a great time) to write about what kind of person you are.
Start with “I’m the kind of person who …”
Then go on to “I’m not the kind of person who …”
Now … reflect on that. Is it true? Does it have to always be true?
If one of those answers doesn’t serve you, could you cultivate a Growth Mindset to find a different way?
Write it all down. When you’ve done your homework (10 minutes would be great, less is fine too, or you can do more if you feel like it), leave a note in the comments saying “I did it.”
And of course, if you have insights or questions, we’d love to hear them!
Earlier lessons …
If you missed any of the earlier lessons in the series, or you just want to read them again, you can jump right to them here:
I agree that a growth mindset is important, but I also find it helpful to recall Mr. Miyagi trimming those bonsai trees in The Karate Kid. There’s not anywhere near enough time to learn and succeed at everything I want to do. There’s so much out there, and the more I learn the more I discover that I know practically nothing in the grand scheme.
In comes Mr. Miyagi, carefully sculpting his bonsai tree with a pair of tiny scissors. He keeps close tabs on each leaf as it grows in. Will he let a new branch form on a tree? That new branch could be finding time to work on managing your own personal finances and investments. Or, it could be growing a new skill in a new, unrelated field like learning how to make your own clothes.
With the growth mindset, you can do anything. It’s true that your mind can really open up if you work hard at something and maintain that mindset. It can get you far.
But if you want desirable results, you have to keep those branches trimmed and closely watch all the new little leaves that pop up each time you realize that you can do something and you say, “Why don’t I know that? What’s holding me back?” If you let your curiosity take you on a learning path to get there, you’ll soon find that hours, days, even weeks have passed. Did you neglect anything else when making the decision to acquire the new knowledge?
If you don’t keep this all in check, instead of Miagi’s magical mystical bonsai garden you end up with an overgrown yard full of random plants and weedy, dark corners of rusty fence and poison ivy plagued by neglect.
So it’s a balancing act, right? If you can’t handle all the balls, drop the one you least need to make room for the shiny new one that’s glowing with potential for a big bright future. This one’s finally the ticket! But when it’s not, you sadly look down to see the pathetic little graveyard of dropped balls at your ankles.
On the plus side, there’s always a new ball. Always a new leaf or node that’s begging to grow into the next great branch on that bonsai tree. The challenge is deciding and knowing which ones are worth investing your time and energy in and which ones you should return to get your money back before the trial period’s up.
Thanks to Sonia’s recommendation, I’m reading Growing Gills by Jessica Abel. So far, it’s fantastic at addressing dilemmas that arise while pruning your bonsai.
She’s so great! That simple (but sometimes hard to do) insight to focus on a single Big New Creative Thing at a time is more empowering, imo, than endless amounts of “self work.” (Not that we don’t sometimes need that, too. But that’s a job for your therapist, not a blogger or business coach.)
I watched the free bagels video before I continued with your post. I hadn’t really stopped to think about why you linked to it, but I shocked by his attitude and his ability to justify his behaviour. Thank God you thought the same. For one horrible moment I thought you were going to tell us what a great message this was. My faith is restored!
I’m not sure which horrified me more — Sinek’s story, or the chorus of people who thought it was inspirational. 🙂
Having patience is a virtue. While waiting in line you might meet some great people – and still get a free bagel!
Always a growth mindset . . .