As of the moment I’m writing this message, I’m 51.
Don’t even ask me how that happened, since I was about 22 the last time I checked.
As long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with things that seemed like they were easy for “normal” people.
For example:
- Tasks that require a lot of social energy (like answering email!)
- Managing distraction
- Spending my time consciously
- Beating myself up over things I can’t control
Ever wrestle with any of these? Maybe … all the time?
Or maybe you have your own collection of favorites that you use to feel crummy about yourself.
Today I want to talk about two things …
#1: Getting real about how our brains work
I spent four pretty exciting years as part of a very high-level mastermind group.
The kind that costs a lot of money to belong to, and only a few people can get in no matter what they’re willing to pay.
It’s a legitimately elite group. They make a ton of money. They have the lives all the rest of us are chasing. (Travel, tons of disposable income, lots of freedom
You want to know something? Lots of them wrestle with:
- Tasks that tap their weaknesses
- Managing distraction
- Spending their time consciously
- Beating themselves up over things they can’t control
The ones that don’t have other issues, like a hard time focusing, or a painfully low boredom threshold.
None of us has our act together. (If it’s together, it might mean you need a bigger act.)
My grandmother lived to be 102, so by my calculation, that means my life is about half over. And since I crossed into the 50-something territory, I definitely feel that motivation:
Make something that matters
I don’t have to do it with a different brain. I don’t need a personality transplant. I have what I need to make things that matter.
And so do you.
#2: Change is real and it’s possible
On the one hand, you don’t need to really change. Who you are right this minute is worthy of respect and celebration.
On the other hand, it’s really useful to be able to adopt new habits. Because we don’t have an infinite amount of time.
Wiser habits help us make something that matters, more consistently, and at a higher quality.
No matter how flaky, ADD, or otherwise unacceptable you think you are, you can improve a few habits.
No matter how big a “disaster” you feel like you’ve always been, your future is going to look different from your past.
The biggest impediment to making change happen in our lives is that we think we can’t. For real.
(Important point, though: I am not saying that you don’t have real-world, external things standing in your way as well. Mindset isn’t the whole game. We all have barriers, and some people face a lot more barriers than others. Privilege is real. We’re going to be talking plenty about that down the road a bit.)
I’ve found it’s awfully helpful to remember what you can control and what you can’t.
You can’t control:
- Your gender orientation
- Your skin color
- A disability
- (the really big one) Your past
You have limited control over:
- How people perceive you
- Your financial resources
- The demands on your time
You have a lot of potential for control over:
- Your daily habits
- Your awareness of how you spend your time
- Your priorities
It doesn’t matter who you are or what your circumstances are. By definition, the only way you can make any change is to take actions that lie within your sphere of control.
Resources
How does a total disaster like me end up improving her habits and making some stuff that matters?
We could talk about that for a long time (and we probably will), but it boils down to seeking out models that really work for people like me. Not for the “naturally driven” ones. Or for people who grew up in wealthy families, where they’re taught success rules and habits from birth. (I have good friends who fit into that category. Their family stories are fascinating to me.)
Here are a few additional resources you can check out if you’d like to dig deeper:
- My post with more details on the Growth Mindset.
- Carol Dweck’s excellent book, Mindset
- My post on Productivity for Complete Flakes
- Barbara Oakley’s four-week MOOC (online course) on “Mindshift”, or developing a learning mindset — more commitment involved, but very solid, and available for free. This will be especially useful if you still think you need an “aptitude” for the things you want to do
- Barbara Oakley’s book on the same topic, Mindshift, less time commitment involved than the MOOC
- Jessica Abel’s brilliant book Growing Gills
Easy Homework
Today, spend a few minutes reflecting on those final three points — the ones that you have a lot of potential for control over.
Just as a reminder, those are:
- Your daily habits
- Your awareness of how you spend your time
- Your priorities
What could change with one or all of those? What could shift? What new habit could you develop? What basically-ok habit could get a little stronger?
This isn’t the time to kick yourself around the block for what you haven’t done yet. Remember: The past falls into the category of “things you can’t control.”
This is the time to just noodle with some ideas about what could be different. What could be more open, more free, more juicy, more empowering, more productive?
Give yourself 10 minutes today to make some notes on that. Actually write them down in your Freedom Journal. (Remember, it’s fine if that’s a simple Google Doc for now.) Now would be a perfect time.
If you’re dashing off to perform some emergency brain surgery, then put an appointment on your calendar. Today. Just 10 minutes.
If you’re willing to share a few, please drop them into a comment below! I really want to know some of your dreams for what could open up in your life.
The obligatory P.S.
Incidentally, I left that high-level mastermind group because I spent a year with my family in one of the most beautiful cities in the planet, and the travel wasn’t reasonable. I know, tough problem to have, right?
I only mention that because despite my nutty brain, I actually have made some useful stuff that helped other people … and that has had its benefits.
I tell you this very honestly: If I can do it, you can do it. Your path isn’t going to look exactly like mine, but we’ll figure that part out together.
Stay tuned, because in a few days, we’re going to talk about a common piece of advice that is seriously destructive for anyone trying to do a big project — like launching a blog, a book, or a business. Watch your email for the message marked #3!
I really enjoyed this article Sonia.
Habits are really something aren’t they?
Insidious.
Often easy to do that thing every day but so much easier NOT to do it one day and if you haven’t built momentum it can be a slippery slope from there.
My most valuable (but elusive and inconsistent) habit? Mindfulness.
Self awareness is the best habit to cultivate imo – builds the capacity to develop other habits.
Thanks for the content. Loving it!
Always good to see you, Ash!
Thank you for this post Sonia.
I’ve definitely often found myself thinking that there’s something wrong with me and I need a some sort of fundamental personality makeover.
Lately I’ve come to realize that it’s not so much who I am. It’s what I think and do. Mindset, habits, how I spend my time, the things you mention. Those are the things I can control and that make a difference.
I’ve really enjoyed listening to you on Copyblogger FM and have come only recently to discover your blog. I’m looking forward to reading more of your stuff.
I’m so glad you’re here, Miika. Welcome. 🙂
Great stuff Sonia! Thanks for the content….loving it!
thanks Kris, glad you’re here!
Wow really love your writing style
You can’t control your past. It sounds so obvious when you see it in black and white like that, but fretting over wasted time and opportunities is one of my major pastimes,(what an unfortunate pun – completely unintended), and it’s so unproductive. Thank you for making me stop and think.
Cheers, Mel.
PS. Happy New Year
It’s one of those things that sounds so simple … and we forget it all the time. I do, anyway. 🙂
Thanks for your note, Mel!
Thanks for the post! Things I’d like to change: headless-chicken syndrome and never having enough time for important things (creative projects and seeing the real, non-pixelated faces of people I love) but as if by magic, finding time to check social media many times a day and other self-imposed distractions. Then feeling uneasy a lot of the time, because of that niggling feeling that I’d be more satisfied with my work and social life if I could just spend my time more wisely. I’ve tried to change this before but nothing has worked so far. Looking forward to the next instalment.
Hey Sonia,
Here’s my mindset challenge:
Everything seems so hard. I struggle and struggle when the people around me seem to have certain life systems chugging along smoothly. I struggle to make money. I struggle to manage my energy level when I need to do extroverted (out in the public) activities. I struggle to accept the limitations of the people I dearly love.
My life long challenge has been to figure out how to find more ease.
Ideas?
Thank you. 🙂
Julia
When I figure that one out I’ll let you know!
About 95% of the folks I know who are doing really interesting things are also struggling or stressed a lot of the time. The salvation for me has probably been to switch up how I think about it — taking a page from Kelly McGonigal and her book _The Upside of Stress_. Meaningful lives have stress!
Some people are very, very private about their struggles, so you never see them. And I think it’s possible that a few people are naturally just fine. They’re not neurotic and they do what they intend to do and if something doesn’t work, they just try a different tack.
I try to love those people anyway. 🙂
Sometimes I also think we just need a little more of a break. There are hard things that we do, and then we need to take some time to restore. If you never get that self care time, in my experience, stuff just plain old starts to break. But that’s often easier said than done …
I’m so glad I found you! My goodness, your work is a breath of fresh air!
Recently I began writing about my recent past and the struggles that go with that. It is helping me a little bit.
My mindset at this moment is learning to write well enough to express myself without the fear of alienating and boring people.
Also, I am trying to manage my time better. I tend to stare out of the window a lot. When I am not doing that, I am all over the place searching for things to help me feel better about not doing anything. I’m stuck.
Thank you for being you!
Marian
I did it!
I want to be more aware of how I spend my time – I need to think about what I am doing and if it is really important, is it moving me forward or does it need to be done right now – like checking email, reading articles, online researching (a.k.a. shopping). I need to stick to my priorities each day, like caring for the people I love, things that must be done every day and things I need to do in order to reach the goals I set for myself.
Thank you Sonia – I love your writing and am enjoying these posts.
Sonia, I really enjoyed this read. Your thoughts bring to mind my theme for 2018, which is “conscious execution” which I’m looking at as good systems, presence, and flow. I love your writing (I’ve been a fan of your work at Copyblogger for years now) and I so love the way you are able to talk about something so personal, and find the universality of it.
Looking forward to the next read!
“Conscious execution,” I like that a lot. I think I’ve been working on that for about 30 years now. 🙂
Hi Sonia,
Really excited to be here.
Something I’ve struggled with in starting a content creation business is priorities and focus. I’ve recently joined a mastermind group to help me with those things. I realized that I create more stress by taking on short-term projects for quick cash than stick with the longer term goals I want to reach because I lose focus. Then prioritizing what to do when starts to stress me out.
I’m looking forward to seeing how I can shift my mindset.
Thank you!
Hi Sonia. I loved your post. Thank you. Actually your post reflected my values and the basic premise of the blog I am building. Bringing positive psychology and solution focused techniques for building a great life through happiness habits! Oh and it’s for women in medicine and allied health professions but I’m secretly hoping women in other professions with families and all the hoo ha of responsibilities will join along. I totally fight with imposter syndrome and feeling a few notches below expert status. Quite a few notches. I’ve bought Pamela’s two books on your recommendation and so far excellent stuff.
When I’ve added my first few posts and finished customizing my site, I would love to break the fear barrier and let you know about it. The fear barrier is harder to break through than the sound barrier. I’m sure there’s some science in that.
Thanks again. Your authentic voice is inspiring and helpful and I’m listening to Copyblogger fm on my daily walks. Love love love it all.
So great! Everyone who’s put together an amazing site started pretty much right where you are, imposter syndrome and all. 🙂
Keep taking one step after another and you do end up getting somewhere, although sometimes the trip feels kind of awkward!
I feel like I can get things done for others but not very accountable to myself. I’m an idea machine but ultimately, I get bored and the energy fizzles. I take courses and read books (start them anyway) because I always feel like I just need to learn more first – but I know, I just have to ‘do it’. Write 10 blog posts. Write a plan for launch. Just write! I do the fun stuff – design another logo, change brand colors, read blogs about writing blogs.
This post definitely has me thinking.
Even though I have plenty of tangible daily habits, I have the tendency to not give myself credit for sticking to them. That’s a big problem for long term growth.
Instead of just hurrying past, I need to be more conscious about giving myself credit for incremental changes: it’ll be more sustainable in the long run.When my brain doesn’t feel like changes are actually happening, it can be easy to get sucked back into the let’s-dwell-on-the-past vortex. And… not much work gets done there.